The Somewhat Fabulous Life of Chelsea Volturi
by chelsea'97
Summary: Adopted By superwritergirl97
1. Oct 17 2010

I do not own twilight, just thought I'd let you know that

Dear Diary,

Today was, um I don't even know how to explain kind of day for the Volturi clan/guard/family/thing. Why, you might ask, I'll tell you why, which serves the purpose of this diary, I know vampires have mega awesome memories but a diary is so much more simpler than trying to remember centuries of stuff don't cha think? Anyway, back to our unexplainable day. . .

It was about noon-ish, I think, and Heidi was coming back from 'fishing' for innocent tourists for us masters of evilness to snack on. After two tourists each, there was no one left but a baby human boy who was probably no more than 7 months old.

"Dibs on the baby!" Felix called and darted towards it.

"Noooo!" Sulpicia yelled, scooping up the boy "We can't just kill him, look at his cute wittle face." She shoved the baby in Felix's face and put her own into a puppy style pout.

"She's right" Alec said taking the baby into his arms "We can't _just_ kill him. We kill him, and have him roasted over an open fire on top of a volcano in the heart of Hawaii!"

"Good idea man!" Felix said giving him a high five.

"No way!" Sulpicia yelled.

"Hey, when you add an 'r' in the middle of 'no' and 'way' you get 'Norway!'" my not-so-intelligent husband Afton said.

"Oh. . .my. . .god get a life!" Jane yelled "It's just a stupid human child."

I took the baby then "With a cute wittle face" I said copying Sulpicia and shoving the baby into her face and pouting simultaneously.

"Copy cat" Alec said.

"Shut up turd face"

"What's a turd?" Demetri asked.

Everyone looked around the room at each other in a weird awkward moment. Then the human baby started crying and screaming at the top of its lungs.

Jane fell onto the ground in pain "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! IT BUUURRRRNNNSSS!"

"I say we keep it" Alec said.

"The baby?" Afton asked.

"No, the cracked floor tile cause it adds character to the room."

"Oh, and now that you mention it, it does add character to the room"

"YES I MEANT THE BABY!"

"Why do you want to keep it?" Aro asked "You gave me a speech not five minutes before we started eating on how much you hated human children."

"Yeah but that was before I found out that their crying makes my sister fall to the ground in pain."

"Plus it has a cute wittle face" me and Sulpicia said together.

"Okay, all in favour of keeping the kid say 'I'"

Nobody said 'I' except for me Sulpicia and Alec.

"So it's settled" Alec said "we keep the kid."

"Yayy!" Sulpicia said while jumping 10 feet in the air, then she grabbed the kid and ran off with it to god knows where.

"This is going to be very interesting" Aro said "Must as well start calling me 'daddy' now." Then he walked off to check on his questionably sain wife and new son.

Well there you have it, the Volturi now have a human baby. Well technically, Aro and Sulpicia have a baby. The rest of us are like the adopted siblings. Like the Cullens! Oh my god I hate those people. But back to the baby, I'm very curious to see how this will turn out.

The one and only Chelsea Volturi :)


	2. Oct 18 2010

Dear Diary,

Sulpicia decided to name the baby Nicholas. She went all crazy buying baby stuff and getting Aro all enthusiastic about being a father after about 2000 years. It didn't work, so Corin's been helping out with him. I don't know how this sounds to you, Diary, but Corin already seem to know quite a bit about infant care. Sounds pretty gay to me, but hey, you never completely know someone do you?

Well, after the baby settling, I got utterly and totally bored, so I decided to mess with people's relationships a.k.a, Caius and Athenodora. They love each other waaaaayyy too much, so I made them hate each other more than I love blood, that's a lot just to let you know.

Here's what I'll call the highlight of their arguing:

Well, first of all, I made Caius not love Athenodora but Alice Cullen and this is the argument 3 hours later:

Athenodora:. . .and that's why you b*tch can't go f-king lusting over that b*tch Alice Cullen you mother f-king b*tch

Alec: Whoa, Annie, I don't know you could swear like that. . .

Athenodora: Shut up b*tch

Caius: But Dory-boo, I love you so much, but I love Alice too, we could be polygamist's and have more than one wife

Aro: *walks into room* does anyone know what's been going on with Caius all afternoon? He's suddenly in love with Alice Cullen

Me: *hides behind Alec*

Aro: Chelsea!. . . . .

Sulpicia: *runs in with Nicholas* Aro, baby can you watch Nicholas for a bit while I go out to buy some baby formula?

Aro: Sure thing, honey *takes Nicholas* Now Chelsea, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO CAIUS!

Me: I got bored. . . .

Aro: You are going to be grounded for so long. . . .

Me: How long?

Aro: Two weeks

Athenodora: Two frikin weeks for what she did! Are you out of your peanuty mind!

Aro: No, cause she needs to spend those two days watching my *urges* son

Me: Noooooooo!

So, yeah, I'm stuck with the demon child for the next two weeks, with me luck.. .

No?

Oh c'mon

Pretty *gulp* please

With a human on top?

You guys are terrible! Bye!

The one and only, Chelsea Volturi

Mother Teresa

Alec!


	3. Oct 19 2010

Dear Diary,

Blah.

I hate babies so frikin much its not even funny. And its only been one day since I got the bastard. It eats and sleeps and cries and craps and nothing else. Its like those dolls that have like 5 catch phrases and repeats one every time someone hits the button on their hand. Only ten thousand times more annoying. Now you might ask why I haven't gotten rid of it yet. So let me explain, with yet another flashback! :D *Cue Superman music*

Me: *walking through hallway carrying demon child*

Alec: What cha doin?

Me: Going off to kill this demon baby thing

Alec: Can I help?

Me: Why not?

*In the boiler room which serves absolutely no purpose in a house full of vampires who never get cold*

Me and Alec: *About to dump child into boiling hot boiler*

Gianna: You know if you burn that baby you'll be in deep shit with Aro for the rest of eternity right?

Me: *lowers Nicholas from his death*

Alec: How would you know you're not just tricking us so you get a raise for 'being-so-responsible-with-us-non-responsible-ancient-teenagers-by-saving-the-demon-childs-ass?"

Gianna: Because a raise isn't worth it

Alec: In that case get the hell out and back to your desk or get a coffee or whatever the f-k humans do with their time

Gianna: Chelsea aren't you going to stop him?

Me: Nope not at all *tosses Nicholas into the air*

Corin: *jumps out of nowhere are dives head-first to catch falling baby* Nooooooo!

Alec: is it just me or did that just happen in slow motion?

Corin: how dare you try to fry my child to a crisp! Do you know how much we've been through? *Takes out photo album and dramatic/sad music starts playing* here, is the first time I held him, the first time I changed his diaper, the first time I gave him a bottle *breaks into dry sobs* I love him so much!

Me: okay, okay you take the stupid baby, I don't want him anyway

Corin: *shoves baby into my arms* Oh no you don't. Your going to finish your punishment and then I'll get him back. I can wait *storms off*

Alec: Wanna go bug Renata?

Me: *shrugs* sure, why not?

End flashback.

And so I'm still stuck with this blasted baby for like 13 more days! Well, not exactly, cause Alec came up with this practically full-proof plan to get rid of him that will commence tomorrow.

Can't wait!

The one and only, evil genius, Chelsea Volturi


	4. Oct 21 210

Dear Diary,

I might have accidentally on-purpose ate Nicholas, Aro friggen flipped and grounded me again.

Oh, shut up. We shall never speak of this again. If you do, I will find you and eat your brains out; no joke.

Anyway. . .moving on, before I accidentally on-purpose ate Nicholas this afternoon, me and Jane made some crank calls to random British people. I personally suck at crack calling, here was my highlight call:

Me: Is your refrigerator running?

British Girl: Why yes it is

Me: Go catch it!

Jane however, is the master. She's even crank called the president of the United States successfully. Here was her highlight of the day to Justin Bieber as a contest winner:

Justin: Hello?

Jane: OH MY GOD! :o I'M ACTUALLY TALKING TO JUSTIN BIEBER! O_o

Justin: Hey. . Jane, nice to meet you

Jane: OH MY GOD IT'S REALLY YOU! I SO WANNA ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS!

Justin: Sure, ask anything you want

Jane: *serious voice* is it true your gay?

Justin: *drops phone* uh, that's a very personal question Jane, mind asking something else?

Jane: Of course not, *clears throat* how come your sixteen and still haven't hit puberty?

Justin: Anything else?

Jane: What's your bra size?

Justin: OMFG GO AWAY YOU RETARD! *Hangs up*

That was actually her longest call to a celebrity ever. And sadly my fun is over for the next month during which I shall be trapped in my room except to feed and attend to 'duties' argo, mess with relationships which happens maybe twice a year if I'm lucky.

Please take pity on the one and only, Chelsea Volturi.


	5. Oct 25 210

1

Dear Diary,

Still grounded. Still! And Santiago is driving me off the head. He decided that since I cannot leave my room, that he would come to me. Which is about ten times worse than being trapped up here alone without television, internet or cell phone. He comes up for three hours every day and. . .wait for it. . .plays a friggen didgeridoo! Then Alec comes up and starts rain dancing to it, all while Gianna is trying to get me to talk Aro into giving her a raise (and she said she wasn't after one the other day)

And on the bright side, Caius said he would let me off the hook tomorrow on one condition (or course). And that is that I would give tours to stupid humans for a week (without eating any). Oh joy (heavy sarcasm) At least I won't be trapped with the didgeridoo playing chumps.

Well I don't have much other news since I've been stuck with nothing to do over the last few weeks, or days, or years! I've lost track of time, I wonder if the wives ever feel like this.

Until tomorrow (when I'll actually have something to talk about) Byee!

The one and only, Chelsea Volturi :P


	6. Oct 30 2010

1

Dear Diary,

I got out of punishment! :D

. . . .with a compromise. . . . .

I have to help Gianna with the desk reception thing for a week.

But on to the real reason for today's entry: (drum roll) HALLOWEEN IS TOMORROW! Us childish vampires aka. Me, Alec, Jane and Felix are going trick or treating! :D

You'll never guess what I'm going as, and its not a vampire. Last time I went as a vampire (30 years ago, which was the last time any Volturi members went trick or treating) someone found out our secret, thus being the reason none of us have went out for 30 years. We finally reasoned with Aro to let us go again. . .with yet another compromise. (Sigh) This year I'm going as the yellow teletubbie. Jane is going as Bambi. Alec is Prince Charming and Felix is (gulp) Frankenstein's wife.

And that totally eliminates the point of vampires going trick or treating, we don't even eat candy for god sakes. We go out to scare humans, but maybe I can get some joy in watching Santiago gulp it all down for five bucks. (Evil laugh)

Well, I gotta go help Gianna with whatever receptionists's do now, but there will be a lot more to say. Also we're going to be throwing our annual massive Halloween party. This year its Hollywood themed. I'm going as Marilyn Monroe.

Well, goodbye my human friends (wave)

The one and only, Chelsea Volturi


	7. Nov 3 2010

1

Dear Diary,

Whew, what a party.

Yes, I know it's been days so shut up already. There is only three words to describe how the party was a-maz-ing. And besides, its taken us all that long to even recover from the events.

First of all, let me get something straight to you, I did not get to go trick-or-treating because of an incident while working with Gianna that I am not even allowed to write about it was that bad. Matter of fact, no one is allowed to speak, write or think of the incident ever again for the rest of eternity it was that bad. Alec did give me all his lemon heads though. Gianna being human, says they taste like laundry detergent, but screw it, for one: I'm not human. Two: laundry detergent is actually quite tasty, so eh.

And now, on to the party.

I dressed up classic Marilyn Monroe style and strutted into the main room in style! (Flashing star sign) and looked around to see everyone else's costumes. Aro, Caius and Marcus went as the Beatles (whom I don't even believe are Hollywood but since their ancient I let it slide.) Jane went as Angelina Jolie and Alec went as Brad Pitt. Corin went as their daughter which is super gay.

I loved everyone's costume until I saw what Heidi was wearing. . .

The exact same Marilyn Monroe costume as me.

And now to the editing since I'm not allowed to speak-write about this ever again. But in a nutshell, there was name calling, bitch fighting and the total destroyance of the main room.

Guess we won't be having another Halloween party for another couple decades :P

The one and only

Chelsea Volturi ;)


End file.
